REPORT FROM THE 2nd ANNUAL SNOW GOD FIRE
Posted on Thursday, November 20th, 2008
I was nine beers into a PBR 12-pack watching the fire in that Mexican outdoor fireplace thingie sway side to side. I was trying to get a good bed of coals going and I might have been the slightest bit over zealous when I loaded the wood. To my right arranged in ascending order, on a neatly folded towel, were a white gas-loaded 5 ml, 10 ml and 20 ml syringes all tipped with large bore hypodermic needles. See… it takes this type of orderly preparation when you’re trying to summon up a God.
As I swilled the last of PBR #9 and cracked #10, a little voice inside my head chimed in: “Agent, this might not be the brightest idea!” I dismissed that voice as easily I dismiss that whiny one that complains “You left the toilet seat up again!!!!” Then, I bent over and picked up the smallest syringe.
The 5 ml ejection into the fire sent the flames shooting out the top of the stack, barely clearing the roof of the garage. The roar of the fire was more than I expected and heightened my anticipation for for the next two syringes. I quickly grabbed the the 10 ml syringe and emptied it. As I was admiring the flames shooting over the roof of the garage I heard two loud slapping sounds behind the garage.
My beer-addled brain couldn’t figure out what the sounds were so I immediately proceeded with the 20 ml syringe. Halfway through the 20 ml syringe, as I stumbled away from the heat, my neighbor’s porch light turns on. He barreled out his back door screaming
“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE ???”
It was too late to stop, so I emptied the contents of the last syringe. My patio looked like that volcano in front of the Mirage hotel. As the flames subsided and my pupils readjusted to the sudden decrease in light, the first thing I saw was my neighbor standing in my yard wearing boxers and a stained wife beater T-shirt. His hairy belly sticking out like a waxing crescent moon. Boy, was he pissed.
It turned out that the loud slapping sounds were two sections of his freshly burned cable TV wire hitting the back of my garage and cedar fence. It also happened that the night I decided to have my little ceremony coincided with the same night he paid $49.95 to get the WWE Super Smackdown Championship from Pay Per View. It took quite a bit of fast talking, $50 in cash and my last two beers to get him not to kick my ass.
So you’re probably asking why the hell I would try something this stupid. Here is your answer: I did this last year with a 6 pack and only one 3 ml syringe of white gas. The Snow God seemed to like it because the next day it started snowing and it never seemed to stop until there was a record 600 inches. I am not sure that last year’s fire ceremony was directly responsible for the epic snow fall but then again I am not sure that wasn’t.
So I figured I would cover my bases, hedge my bets and hope this creates another record year.
Agent 420 lives in the northern rocky mountains where he works as a freelance safety consultant. His specialty is organizing, leading and participating in safety meetings. His other writing can be found here.
